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poetry by lou sid linesman - on life, love & politics
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Special Delivery!
Friend!
Have I got news for you!
I’ve got some friends, I know their hue,
They’re very good and very, very true!
And amongst their number (very few)
I cannot say I’ve ever happened to find you!
I thank the planet earth for them
And, if I ever get to meet that Him (or is it Her?!),
I’ll most heartily thank the Lord Almighty too!
Because they’re priceless...
Just like you!!
Our dear departed Mutual did once say
That you considered me a friend...
Well!
I very nearly fell right over and turned blue!
Friend indeed!
I don’t remember that old master
Ever hanging in the gallery!
Certainly not signed by me and you!
Must have been some forgery!
Perhaps an empty frame!
Or just an extra layer of paint
Concealing your real view!
I wouldn’t even bother trying that one on for size,
Not even if brand spanking new!
I’ll pass on that one...
If it’s quite all right by you!
Friend!
Look at what I’ve gone and let you put me through!
Not what any friend of mine would ever do!
If you’re a friend, there must be loads
Of birthday cards gone and got lost in the post too!
And I’m skint now...brassick to you!
So a friend would take me out
And buy me a drink or two!
But hang on...
No way!
I’ll reserve my manly prerogative to buy at least one
For you!
Friend!!
Well kiss my lilywhite you-know-where!
I do believe the wedding present went missing too!
Although somehow I think I forgot
To invite you to the do!
Phew! Good job too!
They would have heard your explosion out in Timbuktu!
If you’re a friend, how come you were never there
For me to come a crying to?!
There again,
I suppose I was generally
Bawling my eyes out over you!
No! You’re no friend!...of mine!
Nor enemy!...
If it has to be attested to!
So what are you?!...
To me?!...
You, you, you... you’re just something else!...
You!
So whatever can all this pique be a winding up to?!...
Oh, OK!...
I can recollect when we were once a natural team...
You might’ve picked me...and I sure know I picked you!
But I’ll swear it was some
Strong strange sticky kind of supernatural glue!
But friendly?!
Us two?!
More like a replay of WW2!
But your mates...
They got the very best...
Friend that they ever ever knew...
For your friendship’s
Of the finest and most special kind...
C’est du premier grand cru...
(Go fetch a bucket quick if you now feel the need to spew!)
And...
Boy! I'm really going to be in the most deep and dire of doudou!
But...
Friend!
No thank you!
I’d rather get acquainted with your whip
And feel the point of your stiletto shoe!
Because you see
No friend could ever charge me up
The way you manage to!
And if I had a thousand thousand of the finest
Diamond-star-pure friends,
I know they’d never add up to anything
Near the likes of you!
Not within a million light-years of your
Double-infinite calorific value!
Nor could they give me that fantastic
Stimulating cosmic spark
Which I never fail to get off you!
Ouch...ouch...ouch...ouch...and...oooooh!...
You’re just beyond!...
Belief!...
What more can this poor fella say or do?!...
Non! Madame! Merci beaucoup!...
Comprenez-vous?!
I don’t ever want to have you as a friend!
I’d sooner risk it all and get the big old elbow too!
Because...
If there’s the slimmest slightest chance
Of getting this relationship
Out of this ultra-zany stew...
I want so bad to get my hands on all of you!!!
© Lou Sid Linesman, 2006. All Rights Reserved.
